Showing Off

I left Walla Walla General Hospital,  firstborn nestled in my arms and clutched to my heart.   The nurse wheeled us out as my husband strode proudly beside. In the wee hours of the early morning before, my heart had awakened  to a love I never imagined--the love of a mother for her child. A love that has defined my life from that day forward. No going back. This was my child!  Forever and always, he was mine.  We phoned our parents and grandparents and brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and friends. We telegrammed (no email, yet!). We sent announcements. We told strangers in the grocery store, acquaintances at church, people at the laundromat, attendants at the gas station. We shared  details: "He's Joseph! He weighs  7 lbs 4 oz and is 19 1/2 inches long. He doesn't have much hair. He's adorable!" In the following weeks: "He smiled! He rolled over! He's crawling! He has a tooth! He's standing up! He took his first steps! He says "Mama!" And on an on and on. I'm still at it, 35+ years later. I still love to talk about him. My heart shouts, "LOOK!   HE"S MY SON!" And I've had the humble privilege to experience 6 more awakenings of the heart, 6 more beautiful children, each one unique and special and indescribable and wonderful. 6 more shout-outs, "This is my child!" Love multiplied (and I could write a book about each one, individually and collectively!). I am the luckiest woman on the planet.

My mother named me Susan Joy. She strayed from tradition. "Charlotte" had been the preferred middle name for women in a long lineage. Mom said she and Daddy were so happy when I came that they chose "Joy" instead. As life has it and comes full circle, they now live in our home. Their minds aren't what they once were. Mom's confusion over a myriad of things plays out in ways that are sad, funny, heart wrenching, exasperating, endearing, and in ways that conjure up unspeakable emotions. In the midst of it all remains my desire to live up to the name they chose for me and bring them joy, fleeting moments though they may be. In the great paradoxes of life it is sometimes she who brings me unexpected joy.

A few months ago. It was the day for Wellspring, a wonderful adult respite care center that Mom flourishes at one day a week. As I walked with her to the door, she begged, "Can't you stay? Won't you stay with me? Please? Please?"  Inside my head, I shout, "Mom!  No! I'm busy!  I need this time for myself!  I have so much to do!" Instead, the word that came out, that she heard me ask a thousand times before, "WHY?" Her answer, "I just want to show you off." I understand. I stay.

I'm  grateful that even in her muddled mind, she knew I was her child, and that she loved me. Her desire to "show me off"  as her child remained, in that moment at least. In my mind, I'm an ordinary woman trying my best to get through whatever ordinary women do.  I'm nothing especially special. But in hers,  I'm the whipped cream on her hot chocolate, the banana on her cereal, the gravy on her potatoes, the peanut butter on her bread, the joy in her heart.  I am her child. And she wants the world to know.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom  xoxo