Orphans Now

She was ready when we arrived at Town Center Village. "Ready to go, Mom?" She looked up and smiled. With gentle hugs and misty eyes others gathered. They said their good byes. She pulled one caregiver close and kissed her cheek. She said “Thank you” to another. My eyes welled. My Mother.  In only a few short weeks she had made her mark on the hearts of those around. 

She sat regally in her wheelchair as my son rolled her from the care facility to the car and gently eased her in. Her last car ride. Home. The Home that would become ours because she was there.   90 miles later we arrived at Country Havens. Her room was ready, a place of beauty. She smiled. We went every day and stayed into the night. We, her children,  wished her good morning, kissed her goodnight, and held her hands in between. Nineteen days more. Our home--it was our  mother's heart for as long as we could remember.

Now she's gone.  I miss her. We’re orphans now, my brothers and sister and I. She never told us how hard it would be. 

60 years ago she birthed me, her first daughter, third child. She and Daddy gave me my name.  I was theirs. They held me, stroked my head, gazed into my eyes, told me they loved me. In the end I did the same for them. Now it's over. They're gone. Can it be?

Ours was a long good bye, the good bye of children for their Mother. Alzheimer’s Disease robbed her of who she was, and stole from us the Mother we had known.  Some say, on hearing of her passing, “It was a blessing. She’s no longer suffering.” Right in so many ways, dreadfully wrong in others. Conceived through love and passion for our father, we were borne of her flesh, birthed through her tears and joy, and from her deep desire to be our Mother. She gave us life. She defined us from our first days to her last. She still does, for her imprint is on us forever. We became known as “Bob and Betty’s children.”   In the beginning she and Daddy defined us. Somewhere along the way, I’m not sure when, we came to define them, in the circular paradox of the universe. They gave us our identity, only to have us give them theirs. 

Mom loved being Mother. Her heart embraced not only her own children, but the “others” who came with us. She welcomed and loved our friends.  I was 14 when I introduced her to the boy who would one day be my husband, and make me a Mother.  She loved to tell the story. With a twinkle in her eye, she would say to him, “I met you when you were 14.”  She became his Mother, too, the Mother he never had. Finally, in her last years, she believed that he was her son not only through her choice, but by birth. She claimed him as her own, and indeed, he was.

As I watched her struggle “comfortably” during her final hours, I pondered my history, and that of my brothers and sister. Mom was a determined mother. She wanted the best for each of us. She had dreams. She wanted us to have happy homes, a decent education, good jobs, health, friends, live with integrity, serve others. She wanted us to go to church and obey the rules and look good, but even more, to be good.  Encompassing all was her longing for us to love God and get along with others, and to someday be together in an Earth made new. 

Like all mothers, she made mistakes. I believe these mistakes were motivated out of her desire we grow up to follow God and love others.  She told of a time when I was a toddler. I refused to kneel for prayer at our family worship. Though I have no memory of it, she said she spanked me. She was still apologizing 50 years later. She was  quick to ask forgiveness and ready to forgive, no matter the infraction. 

She and Daddy wanted peace and sometimes relinquished their own “rights” in hopes of saving a relationship. At the same time, they had a keen sense of justice and would not tolerate meanness. We weren’t allowed to call each other bad names or to even point imaginary guns at people  (I’m not sure how well that worked--ask my brothers!). “Shut up” was forbidden, though “hush up” was an acceptable alternative. 

Mom loved hair. When I was a little girl, she braided my hair and tied ribbons at the ends Sometimes at night she’d deftly twist strands of my damp hair around her finger. She’d hold two bobbie pins between her lips and at exactly the right moment she’d extract her finger, take the bobbie pins, and pin my hair tightly to my head, until my head was covered with little mounds of pinned hair.  She’d tie a bandana over the top, then do the same to her own hair. The next morning she’d take out the bobbie pins, and we’d both have curly hair. She liked curls. During these last years,  I’d take the curling iron and do the best I could to make her hair beautiful. She was always appreciative as she admired herself in the mirror. I will miss those times.

Mom loved to sew. She didn’t buy my clothes in my growing-up years.  Instead, she bought yards of fabric and carefully fashioned my school dresses (no pants yet!). She loved pretty fabric, and even in her last months, she found contentment in holding a piece of colorful cloth. 

She baked bread and cinnamon rolls and pies. She stretched the food budget by canning hundreds of quarts of fruit, cooking beans and rice, and making powdered milk. She enjoyed her kitchen, and took pride in setting a pretty table with her fine China. She insisted on good table manners. Even more, she was a gracious hostess and enjoyed good conversation. 

There’s another empty place at the table now. 

Mom married young. 18 years old. She sewed her own wedding dress, veil and all. She became a teenage mother a year later and quit college, never looking back. But she did look forward. She returned to college and graduated from nursing school at 40.  For the next 18 years she  delighted in being a neonatal nurse.

When grandchildren began to arrive, her world changed again.  11 grandsons, 3 granddaughters. Next year, her youngest grandchild will graduate from high school. It will be the first grandchild’s graduation she won’t celebrate. She loved all her grandchildren dearly. In 2007, not even 6 years ago, she and Daddy drove alone in their own car to Vancouver to welcome their first great-grandchild. 

Mom, I found you sitting on your bed the morning after Daddy died. With tears streaming down your face, you looked up at me and sobbed, “He’s gone. He died. He’s gone now.” Then you wiped your eyes and declared, “I’ve got to pull myself together.” That’s how you lived life. Pulling yourself together when you needed to, to get the job done.

 It’s strange to talk of Mom in the past tense. “Was” and “were”  feel unfamiliar and awkward. It’s going to take a long time to change my language. 

We’re orphans now. First Daddy, now you. You’re gone. There’s much I’d like to ask. Life crept up on us all, and here we are. How was it for you, Mom? You went through the losses of your parents. I saw you cry quiet tears, not the sloppy weeping of my own grief. I didn’t see the wrenching of your hearts like I feel in my own.  I know you felt the pain. I know you missed them, for I know you loved them deeply. What was it like for you? How did you go on? Was it a resignation that life comes and life goes? Was it the assurance this life is a harbinger of the next, you would see them again, your parents were no longer in this “veil of tears”? Did you stuff your feelings? Did you lay awake at night with an inconsolable ache in your heart? Did you and Daddy hold and comfort each other when I didn’t see?  Did you trust God more? Were my eyes blinded to your grief, because you were the parent, and I was your child? The natural order seems to be for parents to comfort their children, not the other way around.  Is that why I’m missing you, because you’re not here to tell me it’s going to be okay? What was it like for you to be an orphan? I’ve had no training.

Your children watched you grow old. Not a bad thing. You lived  through countless joys and sorrows for 84 years.  In your final days  all your children encompassed you. Hospice helped manage your pain. We had time together. We said “See you in the Morning.” Horrible, unexplicable, sudden tragedies occurred last week. The Boston Marathon bombings. The fertilizer  plant explosion in Texas. Car crashes. Famines. Wars. Avalanches. Storms. More. These made headline news, while your obituary will be tucked in a back page of a newspaper. Yours was anticipated and ordinary, as deaths go. But for us, you were no ordinary woman.  You were our Mother, and there is not another you. We will miss you as long as we live. 

So good night Mom, goodnight for now.  We’ll see you in the Morning.  xoxo

Good bye, Mama

Dear Mama,

The long good bye is almost at its end, so it seems. You're in a hospital 90 miles away. They're keeping you "comfortable" (What on earth is that?). How can you be anywhere near comfortable when you can't eat, can't drink, can't walk, can barely open your eyes, and have an interminable cough? Will the sound of our voices, the touch of our hands, the "knowing" of our presence bring comfort? I hope so. 

Nearly six months ago you leaned over Daddy's lifeless form, felt his forehead, and kissed him. You turned, looked  into my eyes and solemnly whispered,  "He's gone. He died." You kissed him again, and again. You left the room where he lay and kept returning, until you finally closed the door for the last time. Your life has not been the same. It seems as though you've been racing to follow the man who stole your heart a lifetime ago.

My mind is traveling to years long ago, when I ran to keep up with you. Now I only want to run--to get there fast--so I can keep you forever. I don't want to let you go. I want to be there by your side. I want to hold your hand. I want to fiercely tell you that I love you, and hope you know. 

When I was a small child, I called you "Mother," the endearing term you had used with yours. Later you became "Mommy." During my teen years, you became "Mom," the name that stuck the longest. I sprinkled these with others: "The Hostess with the Mostest," "Madame Chairwoman," "Mother Superior." These past years your vulnerability brought me to "Mama," an endearing term that all your children now use. Though the Mother of our memories, you've become our Child. We long to protect you, to comfort you, to make the going easy. What can we do? We love you!

Mama, I will miss you, though I will keep you forever. In ways that defy explanation, I will travel beyond my memories to  a place where tears will be no more, where there will be no more sickness or dying, where all will be love and joy and peace and beauty. We'll be together again. Thank you for showing the way. 

Your daughter      xoxo

P.S. I'm on my way--please wait.

                                          Last Friday 3/15/13 at Town Center Village

Life is like a Pie

Happy Birthday, Mom. You're 84 years old today.

You always liked making pies. You were good at it. Really good.  You measured and mixed, rolled and folded,  filled and crimped. Apple. Berry. Peach. Apricot. Cherry. Pumpkin. Coconut Cream. Chocolate. Lemon Meringue. And more. Into the oven and out.  We waited eagerly for our first slice. You served it with a smile, and we all smiled back. Your pies were simply the best. Ask anyone who knows.

I see you still. You stand at the counter making pies, your hands dusted with flour. You dot dabs of butter on the crust and sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar. You place in oven and soon the aroma of pies wafts through the house. Sweet memories! Why do my eyes mist?

Today you're 84, and your pie baking days are over. When we packed up your kitchen I carefully wrapped up your Pyrex pie dishes. I gave some away. I brought some home. I kept your wooden rolling pin and gave your marble one to Josh, who gave it to you when he was 5.

I've been thinking that life is like pie. It goes so fast and tastes so good and is gone much too soon. Have you ever noticed how fast pie goes? Even 8-10 pieces? Daddy told me time flies. He was right.

You need the right ingredients, and how you mix it matters. Too much of this, too little of that, and you have tough crust or tart filling.  The rhyme, "Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice" fit you from the beginning. Your life has been filled with "nice" for as along as I can remember. You took the ingredients you were given 84 years ago, and mixed them with the flavors of all the years that followed, and made a beautiful life. Even now, in the confusion of your mind, you graciously smile and sweetly declare, "I love you."

Mom, when you baked pies, I remember how my mouth watered as I anticipated the first bite. I'd lick my lips and wait with expectation. That first piece, so tasty! I was eager for the next, and not disappointed. You'd usually cut a pie into 8-10 slices and serve it on your China, sometimes warm,  with a dollop of vanilla ice cream (I'm getting hungry thinking about it).

84 years! 8.4 slices so far, each worth 10 years.There's nothing like the first slice.

First slice. Filled with the delight and exuberance of childhood. There's an impish picture of you at 2. I wonder who took the photo? Probably your doting Daddy or your adoring Mother.  It's apparent you relished that first slice of life, eagerly devouring each bite as you shared the pie with your two brothers. This slice still brings smiles.

Second slice. School and friends. Church and baptism. Cooking. Sewing. High school dates and graduation.  Commitment and Covenant.  Welcoming a soldier home from War. You married Daddy at 18 and a year later had your first child, a son. This slice, still fresh and warm.

Third slice. Second son,  first daughter (me!),  third son, and a driver's license. You took us to swimming lessons even though you disliked water except in a tub. You canned dozens of jars of applesauce and peaches and pears and dreamed of finishing the nursing degree you started during your second slice of life. You sewed my dresses and braided my hair. You and Daddy bought a tent trailer, a step up in our camping expeditions. Trips to the Redwoods and even one to Canada. You kissed hurts and mended hearts and loved us well. This slice tastes good!

Fourth slice. Another daughter with the first bite and daughter-in law with the last. Nursing school for you. Yours and your kids' graduations. Welcoming friends and feeding us all--often pie! Good years, they were. Yum!  This slice is full of flavor!

Fifth slice. Seasoned with weddings of children and sprinkled with grandchildren. Working as an R.N. Moving children out and parents in. Burying a father-in-law and caring for a Mother-in-law. Relishing family and anticipating the next piece of pie. This slice still delicious.

Sixth slice. More grandchildren. Travel near and abroad to hug them all. Still working. Burying your Mother. Moving in your Father. Still dreaming and scheming. This slice is going fast!

Seventh slice. You're retired! Motor home trips. Move to Tillamook. Designing and decorating a new home. New friends and neighbors. Building a new life, and you did it well. Volunteering at the hospital. Small group study.  Moving your Daddy--my Grandpa-- to a nursing home.  Delighting in visits with your children and grandchildren. Celebrating another decade of birthdays. Sharing the sweetness of this slice with Daddy.

Eighth slice. Enjoying your home on the hill with Daddy, planning, planting. Great-Grandchildren arrive. Publisher's Clearinghouse and scams. Resting in the comfort of each other (There's not many slices left).

Ninth slice. You're eating it now. It's getting old. The flavor is different. It doesn't taste like the first slice, or the second, or any of the rest. Daddy died. We helped you move to Adult Foster Care. And now, into a skilled nursing facility. You're in pain. You have a hard time walking, or even getting up. You wear a bib when you eat, and someone else serves you. You need help dressing. Your new friends  sit beside you in their wheelchairs as you sit in yours--- momentary friends, as you are for them. You  find comfort in their presence. When I walk in, you smile and reach for my hand. You don't remember the name you gave me. but you know we belong. You don't remember the flavors of the other slices that we thought you'd never forget. This slice is flavored with tears, yet sprinkled with smiles.

How many slices left? I'm not sure, but it seems as though the last is going quickly. It's hard to take the final bite. We want to savor every crumb and lick the dish and get all of you we can. There is something of YOU that your children cling to and don't want to let go. We want to touch your parchment skin and hold your hand, because you have held our hearts. We still catch the flavor, the essence of YOU, our special and beloved mother. We hope your day is happy.

There's another pie coming. It's called Heavenly. Lick your lips. The best is yet to be.

Your daughter

Sue  xoxo

                         

(Pictures coming of the slices of Mom's life......)

An Always Changing Life

Mom stands pleading, clutching my hands, eyes boring into mine. She insists, "I'm going with you. I belong with my family!"  "This is your new room, Mom. Isn't it pretty?" I ask. As she belligerently turns her back  to me, I sneak away.  Out the door and to the car. I bury my head in my husband's shoulder.  This is not how Longs say good bye.*  I cry.

YESTERDAY

It's been one month today since Daddy died. One month since Mom's world changed--and mine. Did we really say "good-bye"? Where's the "good" in any of it?   It's time to move forward, to an Always Changing Life.

Hours turn into days, and  days to weeks. Mom's needs change. So do mine. With Daddy no longer by her side, Mom becomes even more lost, more confused. She's a needy little girl, in a very old body. I explore options. How do I clone myself? What should I do? How can I manage her needs, and mine? I second guess myself, not just once, but many times. What to do? I get advice.... thoughtful, caring advice, some invited, some not. One person suggests this, and another that. Ultimately it's my decision, colored by my  family's wants and needs. I want to run. But I can't. Mom's following. She's watching every move.

I make phone calls. I hurry from place to place. Assisted Living. Adult Foster Care, Nursing Home. I ask questions. I listen. I watch. How do I decide? Will an Unknown  really care? Will an Unknown treat her gently? Will an Unknown be patient? Will an Unknown be kind?  And the elephant in the closet.....how much will it cost? How will we pay for it?

Someone tells me about someone who knows someone. I call. A soft voice  with a delightful Romanian accent answers. Veronica. She invites us to visit. I curl Mom's hair because she likes it fixed "just so" and we leave for Portland.  We meet Veronica, a lovely woman with an Adult Foster Care Home. Like me, she has a family, including husband, adult children, and teenagers. She's licensed to have two residents, and right now she has only one.

I've heard it said that Ahlzheimer's Disease is the long good bye. Although I understand the intent of the expression, I don't see anything good about it. It's a tragic disease, a tragic loss. It may showcase the  goodness in the humanity of others, as with Veronica in her caring of my vulnerable Mother. But it is not  a "good" bye. It's long and sad, bad and horrible. It's not the way it's supposed to be. My psyche rages at its destruction of my mother's identity.

Mom's on her best behavior. She charms her way into Veronica's heart. I feel it. She politely thanks Veronica for letting us visit in her "beautiful home." She comments about the pretty China in the hutch. She smiles at Veronica's kind words.

Veronica asks questions. I answer.  I try to be forthcoming about Mom's behavior. Full disclosure. Mom hides bananas in her dresser drawer. Mom doesn't like showers. Mom wakes up early---too early!  Mom wants to go to church every day. Mom opens doors and closets and rearranges other people's belongings. Mom's afraid of riding in the car, but she likes to sit in my parked car. She argues. She wants to wear the same clothes every day--black pants and pink top. She forgets names and faces and relationships and what happened 5 minutes ago. But I tell Veronica Mom is happy and pleasant. She likes to help. She likes to fold towels. She wants to "be good." She likes beauty and kindness and love. She likes bedtime prayer and to be tucked in at night.

Veronica invites us to see The Room. We walk down the hall. It's a small, cheerful room. Veronica asks Mom if she'd like to come live with her. Mom acts surprised, graciously nods her head and says, "Yes. That would be nice. Thank-you." I know she'll forget. We talk some more. I make the decision. Though a long time in coming, it seems almost abrupt. It's time. I'll trust Veronica with the care of my precious Mother.

TODAY

We return. We march to the door. Mom's new "home."  Mom once had a house full of "stuff." Now her world's reduced to a suitcase filled with  clothes, a box holding favorite trinkets, a couple of books, a few pictures, and the purse clutched in her hand.  She will live in a small room with people she's never known. They will become her new "family." I feel guilt and relief, shame and grace. A strange mixture of emotion. This will take awhile to settle. I'll visit often.

Her words reverberate in my mind on the long trip home. "I belong with my family."

What have I done?

I remind myself that my "other" Mother, the Mother of yesteryear, would urge me to make the decision I made. Yet still I struggle. I search my soul. Shouldn't I be able to manage? Am I not "good enough?" I ponder and pray. I find a degree of calm in knowing that I, too, am a mother who loves my children with a love immeasurable. I know that were my Mother's circumstances my own (a terrifying thought), I would say to my children, if I could, "Go! Have FUN! Spend time with YOUR children. Remember the good times. They were real. Make good memories. I'll be okay." And I would mean it.

Life is full of partings. When my children began venturing out on their own, I started saying when they were leaving, "Have FUN! I love you! See you soon." I still say this when we part. I've laughingly told my kids that should I ever die (which I don't plan to, but the odds are against me), I want them to imagine me sitting bolt upright, waving, and hollering, "Have FUN! I Love you! See you soon."

This parting is not easy, this leaving my Mother in the care of Another. She  won't make  ANY memories. But she will we safe. She will have fun. She'll be okay. And I do love her. I'll see you soon, Mom.

It's time to move forward to my Always Changing Life.


*Son Joseph wrote a blog a couple of years ago about the "Long Good Bye." In our  family (the Longs!), our "good-byes" are an event, not a quick, hurried social convention. I'll post his link soon.

Just before leaving one "home" for another.

Daddy's Life Sketch

How can I tell you about my Daddy? What would he want me to say? He wouldn’t say much about himself. He wouldn’t tell you about his important accomplishments or brag about anything he’d ever done. No. He’d tell you about the strangers he met at the store... or maybe even bring them home for dinner--no longer strangers, but his friends.  He’d tell you about his family. He’d tell you about his Grandma’s “snappy brown eyes,” or the antic of a grandchild. He might tell you about his love of travel and adventure,  or about the new rhody he bought for the yard. More likely, he’d ask you about you, and do the listening. It was not so much the words he spoke, but the life he lived that did the telling.

Daddy was born, as the story goes, at home during the middle of a snowstorm, on Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. February 12, 1923, in College Place, WA. He admired Lincoln, and took pleasure in sharing the day with him.

His parents, Virgil and Verda Burg Becraft, welcomed him into their hearts and did the best they knew to provide a loving and caring home for their burgeoning family. He joined brother Teddy, 14 months older.  Jaime, an older brother, had already died in infancy. Six years later sister Margaret joined the family, and after three more years sister Marilyn arrived. 

As I began this “life sketch” about Daddy, I began in  linear fashion,  from beginning to end, according to a timeline. I got stuck. As I pondered, I concluded that a sketch is not created from a starting line, but includes shades and shaping and adding detail here and there. It is with this that I continue. His life did have a beginning, and sadly, an ending--for those of us who remain. But it is not his ending, and in that, I take hope.

I’ll share some of the shading, the shaping, the detail.

Daddy was a vegetarian. His mother was, and his grandmother. To the dismay of some of the rest of us, he would hardly touch “fake meat,” especially if it resembled the “real deal.” He and Mom had some words about this on occasion. Hot dogs? What’s a picnic without? And by hot dogs, I mean Vega-links or Big Franks. He wouldn’t touch them. Tomato sandwiches with butter suited him just fine. He didn’t like mayonnaise or cheese, but he did like beans and berries and cookies, and sweets of any kind. Mom’s pies--he had two favorites: Hot and Cold. He had a sweet tooth. At Christmas time he’d reminisce about his Grandmother’s divinity fudge. He was diagnosed diabetic about 5 years ago.

Daddy loved water. Swimming. A cool dip at the end of the day. Whiskeytown Lake in the hot California sun. Mom would sit in her lawn chair and dangle her feet in the water. Daddy would immerse himself and swim for the floating platform off shore from which to dive. I think he’d have gotten a boat if Mom had shared this love. When he was 80, he came to Camp MiVoden with our family and went water skiing. Many are the water stories that we could share.

Daddy worked as an X-ray technician for the same group of doctors for nearly 40 years. My dear childhood friend, Marcia (who Daddy counted among his own),  became a radiologist and went to work where he had worked for so many years. She tells me he was legend there, in the finest sense of the word.  While working, he saw that x-ray solutions were being washed down the drain. He asked the doctors if he could save the x-ray solutions and retrieve the silver. I remember him breaking silver off the disks of his machine and filling coffee cans full of silver. He'd hide them in the back of the closet until the next trip  to Berkley to John Drew Smelting. He also received permission to cull old x-ray films from the local hospitals. We’d take trailer loads of film to the smelter as well. He helped pay for his children’s education with this side business. He taught us the value of hard work and ingenuity. Although being an x-ray tech was a respectable profession, I believe he saw himself in his earlier years as not measuring up to his perceived expectations of himself and others--doctor, dentist, preacher or missionary. I took pleasure in seeing him as he grew older in coming to a level of self-acceptance and peace in his own skin. It gave me hope.

Daddy talked fondly of hiking with his father--Mt. Rainier and other trails. He hiked Mt. Shasta at age 60. He spoke fondly of the Pacific Northwest, and as a child, I thought it must be close to heaven.

Daddy served during World War II in the army as a noncombatant. He loved his country, and he loved peace. The horrors of war grieved his soul.

Daddy met Mom, and Mom met Daddy. He fresh out of the Army and she yet a teenager. Their lives were never the same. Mom always said she “knew” immediately that he was the ONE. And he was. As the Daddy of five children, he loved and cherished each one. Each of us could shade and add detail to this sketch in our own unique ways. He unconditionally accepted and loved his childrens' choice of life partners. He delighted in his 14 grandchildren,  and his 3 great-grandchildren. Their friends became his own,  enlarging his "family."  All came under the umbrella of his love for God. This was the "stuff" of life that meant the most to him.

Always, Daddy and Mom had a heart for others. Ours was an inclusive home. Without conscious thought, so it seemed, Daddy carried a commitment in his soul to care for those who couldn’t care for themselves. My cousin says he wouldn’t be here today if it were not my father---and that includes my mother! My cousin lived in our home as another “brother” for a time. When Daddy’s sister Margaret was widowed at the age of 32 with 3 small children, she moved to Redding to be near. He loved her children, and did what he could. When his own mother and later, his father-in-law, became unable to live independently, they made their home with Daddy and Mom. I know this had challenges, but they walked their talk.

Daddy went on a mission trip to Nepal. This was a highlight of his life, and he talked about it, filled a photograph album with pictures, and longed to travel more. Going to Japan to see grandchildren were high points. His blue eyes sparkled each time he returned. I asked him a year or so ago what he wanted to do when he got to heaven, and without a moment’s hesitation, he said he wanted to travel to Pluto.

Daddy and Mom moved to Tillamook 14 years ago. This became their home. In this church and in our larger community, they found care and love. I remember the bank calling one day a few years back and saying that Daddy had walked to town, and needed help getting home. This community watched out for them, even as they had cared for others. Thank you all so much. 

As many of you know, Daddy and Mom came to live in Lee’s and my home a couple of years ago. They did so graciously, though I cannot begin to imagine the grief of losing independence. In their own home, before ours became theirs, they were neat and tidy, and things were orderly and in place. Coming to live in a home with a rowdy rambunctious bunch must have brought a longing at times for their place of quiet peace on the hill. Daddy never complained.  I count it a humble privilege that he could call our home his own.

Oh, I could say so much more!  The sketch is not nearly complete.

Daddy was a loving husband to my mother, a devoted father to his children, a loyal brother, an admiring Grandpa, a caring Uncle, a faithful friend, and a humble servant to His God. 

I miss him. I can hardly grasp that he’s really gone. I’m forever grateful I had him for my Daddy.

Daddy died today.

Daddy died. Am I really saying the words? Today has been a blur, and I can't sleep (And now today has become yesterday!).  I went to check on Daddy this morning before I went on my (planned) 6:00 walk.  I knew as soon as I opened the bedroom door. Mom sat up in bed when I cracked the door. "He won't wake up. Will you wake him up for me?" I moved to his side, and in the dim light saw his face, at peace.

The day before was Josh's birthday, and the day after Joseph's. I whispered in his ear the day before, "Daddy, I know you're in pain. Today is Joshie's birthday. I don't want you to hurt. I really don't. But would you do one more thing for me? Would you wait till tomorrow?" He waited. There will be no birthday reminders of "the day Grandpa died." Thank you, Daddy.

The night before, we had gathered in their room, my brothers and sister, and nearly half of their grandchildren. We sang, we laughed, we shared, we cried. Mom delighted in the affair, as Daddy lay propped beside. "More, more," Mom insisted.  A tear crept down Daddy's face, but no sound from his mouth. What did he hear? What did he know? How did he feel? How much did he hurt? Did he know we loved him? Did he know how much we would miss him? ( I thought I knew, but had no idea, really!). As we went around the circle, we named the names of our children, and their children, telling him that each one loved him. We shared stories of visits made to grandchildren near and far. We thanked him for living a life of integrity and love. We read Psalm 139. Mom prayed, followed by the prayers of others. We thought he'd wake up one more morning. He didn't.

I quietly went from room to room, awakening his sleeping children and grandchildren, telling the somber news. My children--how would I make it without them?  Phone calls to family and friends. Tears flowed. Hugs. More hugs.  Dr. B came bringing comfort, as he had the night before, and the week before, and other times. His care has extended throughout the cycle of our family life, from births of sons to the passing of our Daddy. We are grateful.

Pastor Bill and Sue knock at the door. Their visits have meant so much to Daddy and Mom over the past few weeks, and to all of us. They pray  and hug us. Thank you.

Food arrives, but I'm not hungry. It looks delicious. Where's my appetite? It's not often gone! 89 years wasn't long enough.

I call Hospice to let them know. They make calls. I don't have to. I am grateful for their compassion and practical help in knowing what needs to be done next.

All the while, Mom is awake. I help her get dressed. She's confused. "He's gone," she says, "He's away." She comes out of the room where he lies, "gone." She sits at the table and eats. She gets up, and heads back for the room. She goes to his side, feels his forehead and cheeks, and says "He's cold." She pulls the covers up. "We've got to keep him warm." She leans over and kisses him. "He's not there." My heart breaks. My precious mother, for 65+ years warmed his heart, and his body, and he, hers. "I'm alone now,"  she says. Several more times she returns to the room, "their" room. Mom, we promised Daddy we'd take care of you. We will.

Thank God for Wellspring, adult respite care. Today is the day. Lee, my beloved husband, and sons Joseph and Jonny take her for hot chocolate on the way. She loves Lee, and he her. She grips his arm as he leads her in. She begs him to stay. He does, for awhile. While she is gone, the funeral home comes. The room is empty now. It is no longer "theirs," but "hers." We cry.

Susan, my dear sister in law, and Katrina, caregiver unparallelled, go shopping. They bring home a beautiful pink comforter for Mom's bed. They change bedding and clean the room. Mom will like it. It will be a nice surprise for her. They arrange a new doll and stuffed animals on the bed. She comes home and is delighted.

I think my writing is sounding like we wrapped things up in a neat and tidy package, saying our good byes in ways that matter. For the time we had, I'm grateful. I'm glad we had opportunity "at the end" to sing and share and pray and read Psalms. But this is no neat and  tidy business. I don't like it, not one bit. I'm haunted by the "would've could've should'ves. I'm trying not to ruminate over them. I think part of it's just my process, and each has his or her own. And I know this isn't about me at all. I want to honor the man I was privileged to call Daddy. I want to have faith and trust and all the other "stuff" that some people seem to have much more easily than I. I want to sleep and wake up and have him be my Daddy of his younger-years, and  shave a few years off my own. I want heaven on earth, now.

I'm SO thankful for the love and encouragement and prayers and food and flowers and practical help of friends and family. I need the connection more than ever of people I'm privileged to have as family and friends. Right now, I need to get some sleep. There's so much more on my heart.

Sleep Well, Daddy

Daddy's dying. Part of me is, too. He's always been in my life. Always present. I've always known I was loved. Does he know he is? I sit beside him, studying his deep blue eyes. Does he see me? Does he hear me say, "I love you, Daddy."  What's going on his mind? Always a man of few words, I often wished he would--or could-- talk more. Share his thoughts and feelings. Tell his own history and his own dreams. Give me advice and tell me what to do (though I've always been one to make up my own mind!). Though he could tell of those who came before him,  he rarely spoke of himself. For reasons unknown, that telling did not come easy. More importantly, I heard him say and saw him live the mantra, "I love you."

I imagined he'd live to a hundred. I thought  he'd  keep gardening, keep hiking, keep swimming, keep going to the beach, keep basking in the beauty around, keep cooking and cleaning and mowing lawns, keep riding bikes, keep taking pictures, keep trying new things and learning and smiling, keep going to graduations and weddings and celebrating his family as he always did. I thought he'd keep on keeping on as he always had. He's only 89! (not really very old)!

 Oh, some will say, "He lived a good life." They're right, and this is immensely comforting. Others will say, "At last! he's not suffering anymore." They're right. Others will say, "He lived a long life." Yes, by the standards of this earth, he lived longer than most. I don't how I thought it would happen, his leaving. I didn't imagine we'd  be waiting  day after day, wondering when. Some days I feel guilty that I feel so sad. I got to see you grow old. You saw your children have children, and theirs have children. Others have known the loss of father much too early, as mere children or young(er) adults. Tears have flowed on such occasions, and I've felt a taste of the horrific pain of tragic loss.  Grand exits, some of these good byes, as tears gush, stories are told, and dreams evaporate. Some have never known a Daddy's love, ever. I only imagine such pain, never having known it first hand, but up too close in the lives of some I love. I know I've been so richly blessed for reasons not of my choosing, with having a Daddy who has loved me well. I am humbled. Still I wonder, who will cry? Who will miss him?  Oh, there will be some--- his children and grandchildren and brother and sisters and nieces and nephews and a few remaining friends. We will share stories and laugh together at the remembering, and thank God for a truly good man who blessed our lives. Then we will go to sleep that night and wake up in the morning and begin again. Will it be a relief? Undoubtedly. Will it be easy? Unequivocally, No.

The last words I heard were a soft "ouch ouch ouch" as I moved him a few days ago. Now I only hear his shallow breathing. Daddy, are you hurting? What can I do?  I'm not ready to say good bye. Do I have to? I really want you to sleep in peace, if only for tonight. We'll deal with tomorrow when it comes. How can I make you comfortable?

This has been an unexpected journey these past few years. I'd never given thought that my wise, intelligent parents could succumb to Alzheimers Disease, the label that was given their very differing forms of dementia.  Daddy and Mom came to live in our home nearly two years ago when it became apparent they couldn't live on their own. They gracefully moved out of their home with little protest, though they continued to talk about their "home on the hill." Occasionally I would drive them by, to see the rhododendrons and camelias and variety of trees that Daddy had  carefully chosen, planted and tended in their twelve years "on the hill." Eventually they rarely spoke of it, except in a flash of passing memory.

Daddy loves Mom. Mom loves Daddy, I'm sure.  65 years together. I've often peaked in when they're asleep, and seen their heads bumped up to each other. They sit each in their own recliner, hands bridging the space between. They've had a language all their own. They've spent hours pouring over a pictorial chronicle of their history designed and written by grandson Joseph, "Conversations with my Grandparents. Bob And Betty Becraft." We always figured Mom would go first. She was the one with the "health issues." She seems to have regained the strength of a second childhood. The great paradoxes of life! How will she manage sleeping alone? Will she be afraid? Will she just not remember (doubtfully!)? What will she do without him by her side. They're tied at the hip, still.

 A couple months ago my modest mother got jealous of another woman. Katrina, devoted caregiver, was helping Daddy get dressed as Mom indignantly protested. "What are you doing? It's not appropriate!" Mom kept pacing the hallway and trying to intercept the process. Her ultimate objection came when she walked in, pulled up her top, and waggled her breasts,  "What do you think of these, Mr. B, what do you think of these?" Daddy flashed the biggest grin ever as their eyes locked. Katrina quietly left the room for several minutes. Mom has always staked her position clearly. Some things the mind never forgets. They belong to each other. Daddy's loyalty and love has been without question--ever. My heart aches as I think of how one will survive the loss of the other. I sometimes think that as Daddy saw Mom slip into her long good bye, he joined her journey.

Sometimes I worry as I tell a story such as I just told that I'm being disrespectful to the parents I once knew. Am I? Should I delete such stories from their history? What would they want if they were in their "right" minds and could answer my question?  I don't know. One thing I  know is that I have to find things to laugh about, or I'd cry a lot. Please, Daddy, forgive me if I'm wrong (You, too Mom).

Our nightly bedtime ritual has included  singing  "Tis love that makes us happy, Tis love that smooths the way. It helps us mind, it keeps us kind, to others every day. God is love. We're His little children. God is love. We would be like Him. Tis love that makes us happy. Tis love that smooths the way. It helps us mind. It keeps us kind, to others every day." Daddy, though you haven't been able to talk, you've been able to sing along until a couple of weeks ago. I remember you singing this when I was a small child. I miss hearing you. I treasure this memory. I can't wait to hear you sing again!

As I think of these past couple of years,  I wonder what more I could have done. How could I have made life easier, more filled with joy? Have I been too busy to just sit and "be" with you? Have I been  too busy with my "important stuff." Sometimes, I think"yes." I'm sorry. I asked you awhile back if you knew I loved you, and you nodded your head. I needed that. Thank you. What did you need?

Anyway, it's late tonight. I must try to sleep. Will you rally again, Daddy? I don't know. It doesn't look like you have the energy. How much longer? A day, week, or even months? I don't know. Hospice will be here tomorrow. I'll see what they say.

Daddy, I really don't want you to leave. I want to hold on and not let you slip away.... I said you were dying. And it's true. I said that part of me is dying, too, and it's true. because you are so much a part of me, or I of you... however it works for  child and parent, or parent and child.  I can hardly bear it. Then I remember. I'm living, as are your other children, and your grandchildren, and their children, and  a host of others whose lives you have touched in the ways that matter. You've loved well, and that ultimately is all that matters. Your legacy lives on. I will love you forever. We'll take care of Mom. It's okay. I'll see you in the Morning. Sleep well.

Sue