DAUGHTER OF MY HEART

Nearly 25 years ago I lay in a hospital bed cradling my newborn son. I admired his stubby pink fingers and chubby little toes. I stroked his head and looked deep into his eyes. What did his future hold? What lay ahead?  In walked a friend. He offered condolences.  He was under the delusion that my deep desire had been that this child, my precious son, be a daughter. I cried when he left, though not over sorrow for a son. Jonny was perfect in my eyes, and exactly who I wanted.  My heart was full beyond measure. I wanted my friend to share my joy. I wanted to hear,  “Wow! Another son! You’re so blessed!”  

However, little did I then know that a daughter would come some day, because of this son of mine. Though not yet a twinkle in her parents’ eyes, she was in God’s mind. Debuting on a December morning 2 1/2 years later, she made her trio of siblings a quartet and captured the hearts of all, so I’m told.  Now I’m getting the daughter my friend thought I’d missed out on, and this time, she is exactly and perfectly my desire, this Daughter of my Heart.

Jonny, my son!  Once upon a time I was the woman in his heart. I was the one he awoke to, the one he laughed with and cried for, the one he ran to, the one he teased and told secrets to and hugged and clung to, the one he fell asleep to, nestled to my heart. Sweet times those were, treasured memories, cherished forever.

Smitten from the start with this son of mine, I vowed  forever to love, honor, and respect him, as a mother for her son,  as long as my life should last. With a mother’s heart, I dreamed of his tomorrows even as I loved his today. More than anything in the world, I wanted him know love--to love well, and to be loved.

One day on a playground, next to a swing, he eyed her. He toddled over as fast as his chubby legs could take him, and slobbered a wet kiss on her soft cheek. Startled, she crawled away as he watched in wonder (her name was Mindy!). Times were changing,  and my heart smiled.

All lay dormant for awhile, after this venture into the ways of women. Too busy with other loves-- climbing trees and jumping puddles, catching salamanders and chasing frogs, giving cats a bath and riding tricycles and bicycles, making mischief with brothers and making friends with new pals--Zech across the field and Kris across town, his life was much too full to notice much else.

Then SHE walked by in the crowded Junior High hall. Furtive glances and laughter and an occasional brush of the hand, he strode to and from classes with “her” by his side. He shyly told me, with awe in his voice, and perhaps a little fear.  What will Daddy say? Who will we tell?  Times were changing (for a couple of weeks, at least). My heart smiled.

I barely blinked and high school arrived. A flurry of new friends and frolicking fun. “Mom, I met this girl. She’s really nice.”  “Mom, she likes me.” “Mom, I like her.” I met her, and her, and her. I met them, all.  First Sally and then Susie and next Alice (names changed to protect the innocent). All nice girls. All fleeting fancy. Times were changing, and my heart smiled.

Then one day--I call it M-Day -- “Mom, there’s this girl.....her name’s Meilani!”  I answer,  “Jonny, tell me about her. She sounds pretty special.” And tell he did, (and he’s never stopped talking). A man with passion and purpose, he set his eyes on the gold. Times were changing. And my heart smiled.

Soon after, I met the girl of his dreams, Meilani. This dark-haired beauty, full of mystery and intrigue, quietly began burrowing her way into MY heart. Although only 14, she was a woman who knew her own mind. Kind and caring, funny and faithful, sweet and smart, loving and loyal, she became the woman of my dreams for Jonny (I sometimes call her My-Lani, so attached I am to her!). What day did it begin? When did I know? I don’t. Though I have many sweet memories of watching the budding love of two teenagers mature into the beauty that is theirs today, it is as though they have always been together, meant for each other.  Perhaps it began when Lee and I held our newborn son in our arms, and I think it probably began when Meilani’s Mom and Dad--Steve and Colette--held a precious newborn in their arms--  “Their-Lani” --and cradled and cuddled her to their hearts, dreaming the dreams parents dream for their child, nurturing and nestling and praying with all their hearts that life would smile on their beloved daughter and that she would know love all the days of her life...those days that seem like yesterday and forever wrapped in one. 

Dreams do come true. Prayers are answered. Still, we dream. Still, we pray. Always, forever, for you, Our-Lani and Our-Jonny.  

Times are changing, and our hearts smile.  




Written for Bridal Shower 5/19/2012
Meilani and Jonny will marry on July 14!

Showing Off

I left Walla Walla General Hospital,  firstborn nestled in my arms and clutched to my heart.   The nurse wheeled us out as my husband strode proudly beside. In the wee hours of the early morning before, my heart had awakened  to a love I never imagined--the love of a mother for her child. A love that has defined my life from that day forward. No going back. This was my child!  Forever and always, he was mine.  We phoned our parents and grandparents and brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and friends. We telegrammed (no email, yet!). We sent announcements. We told strangers in the grocery store, acquaintances at church, people at the laundromat, attendants at the gas station. We shared  details: "He's Joseph! He weighs  7 lbs 4 oz and is 19 1/2 inches long. He doesn't have much hair. He's adorable!" In the following weeks: "He smiled! He rolled over! He's crawling! He has a tooth! He's standing up! He took his first steps! He says "Mama!" And on an on and on. I'm still at it, 35+ years later. I still love to talk about him. My heart shouts, "LOOK!   HE"S MY SON!" And I've had the humble privilege to experience 6 more awakenings of the heart, 6 more beautiful children, each one unique and special and indescribable and wonderful. 6 more shout-outs, "This is my child!" Love multiplied (and I could write a book about each one, individually and collectively!). I am the luckiest woman on the planet.

My mother named me Susan Joy. She strayed from tradition. "Charlotte" had been the preferred middle name for women in a long lineage. Mom said she and Daddy were so happy when I came that they chose "Joy" instead. As life has it and comes full circle, they now live in our home. Their minds aren't what they once were. Mom's confusion over a myriad of things plays out in ways that are sad, funny, heart wrenching, exasperating, endearing, and in ways that conjure up unspeakable emotions. In the midst of it all remains my desire to live up to the name they chose for me and bring them joy, fleeting moments though they may be. In the great paradoxes of life it is sometimes she who brings me unexpected joy.

A few months ago. It was the day for Wellspring, a wonderful adult respite care center that Mom flourishes at one day a week. As I walked with her to the door, she begged, "Can't you stay? Won't you stay with me? Please? Please?"  Inside my head, I shout, "Mom!  No! I'm busy!  I need this time for myself!  I have so much to do!" Instead, the word that came out, that she heard me ask a thousand times before, "WHY?" Her answer, "I just want to show you off." I understand. I stay.

I'm  grateful that even in her muddled mind, she knew I was her child, and that she loved me. Her desire to "show me off"  as her child remained, in that moment at least. In my mind, I'm an ordinary woman trying my best to get through whatever ordinary women do.  I'm nothing especially special. But in hers,  I'm the whipped cream on her hot chocolate, the banana on her cereal, the gravy on her potatoes, the peanut butter on her bread, the joy in her heart.  I am her child. And she wants the world to know.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom  xoxo